NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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