'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
