God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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