He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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