He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
