You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
