I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You dont lie about slip and slides
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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