apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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