just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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