Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
