I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
