Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
