i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
