Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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