so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
