I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
