Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
