That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
