so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
