The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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