she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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