please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
