why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
