seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
