I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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