Christians are straight up FREAKS
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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