she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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