I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
