I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
