Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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