The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
