My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize