I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
