That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
