Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
