I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
