I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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