I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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