I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
