Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wear drunk well.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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