is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
