What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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