that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
