So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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