Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
