made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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