One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
