One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
