i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
