I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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