You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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