I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
