It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
