Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize