All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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