I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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