saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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