You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
