I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
