This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
